Being a healthy girl, responsible for maintaining an envy-worthy lifestyle, I have to miss out on the finer things in life, sometimes. Eating better, not drinking as much or hardly at all, and getting more sleep are the three rules I stick by, these days. Now that I go to bed on time I’ve been missing the repeats of one of my favorite television shows of all-time: The Golden Girls. I don’t care if it’s a cliche, I’ve loved this show since they would show repeats in the late afternoon on Lifetime and my brother and I would watch them after school to make fun of/worship them. Oh, the witty lines! Oh, the saucy minxes! Oh, the caftans! Oh, the underlying message of how important female friendships are, no matter what age you are, and how they’re possibly the most important relationships you’ll ever have in your entire life!
What I’m worried about, now, is that I’m unable to stress the importance of this gift. Nay, the necessity, to get my Sophia “Picture It. Sicily, 19–” Petrillo daily bon-mots or singing along to the lyrics of “Miami, Miami, we’ve got style/blue skies, sunshine, white sands by the mile!” or taking extreme delight in skipping the *Stanley* episodes. Because I can’t stress to my roommate or to my friends and co-workers how much I fully adore and embrace this show now that I get to bed at a responsible hour. Which in turn means that no one will think to buy me a set of the first few seasons of the show on DVD. Since I’ll be turning the big 3-0, it’d be like killing two birds with one, vinegar-laced stone. How do I go about dropping these hints? Do I feign Rose Nyland ignorance? Should I simper fantastically a la Blanche Devereaux? Or, do I just wield the blunt and brutal honesty of a Dorothy Zbornak?

All of these options fill me with dread and guilty feelings only because I know that people will not take me seriously. At a recent birthday dinner for an ex-boyfriend of mine, everyone at the table admitted their guilty pleasure shows or shows they loved as children. I kept silent for the single alarming fact that no one would believe me. I remember when said ex-boyfriend and I were still a couple, and living together, that he would constantly make fun of my habit of ending my evenings with The Golden Girls. At first, I’d attempt a blistering take down of his close-mindedness, point by point. When the teasing grew worse, I went the immature route (and took after my own idol, Bea Arthur) and deflected his growing animosity with some well-tuned bitter take-downs of him. And now? Now, he doesn’t even remember, and the subject at the dinner table turns to the current fantastic science-fiction television shows. I’ve missed this prime opportunity to put in a selfish product placement. Jerkstores.

Does anyone else have a show like this? One that no one else can understand or even attempt to take seriously? At this point, I’ll have to shell out the $$ myself and there’s absolutely no fun in giving yourself an awesome birthday present…