This review of the season premiere of Heroes will be written with no sarcasm at all. I love this show. The title of the episode is Four Months Later. For me to poop on. Sorry! Had to get that one out.

We open to Mohinder lecturing us about all sorts of wordy crap that will be repeated at least fifteen times between now and the inevitably vague and intentionally confusing season finale next year. Then it cuts to him lecturing an actual AUDIENCE and after he concludes, he is cornered by cult 1992 movie Sneaker’s Werner Brandes. His voice may be his passport but the years have not been kind to Stephen Tobolowsky. He stands around, acts creepy and then offers Suresh a job. As a girl on Deal or No Deal. “Where will you go?” he reasons, “No one even believes they exist!” Captain Obvious has it on good account that Fox Mulder does. “They don’t take you seriously, they all think you’re nuts.” Yeah, these nuts. We cut away because Tobolowsky is just wayyyy too creepy.

Elsewhere, newcomers Maya and her brother Alejandro flee a certain ambiguous fate as they continue their 800 mile journey, if exposition-heavy dialogue is anything to be believed. They run around and bring the audience up to speed on the fact that they’re wanted for murder, related and are running. Running running running. Where’s Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Richard Dawson when you need ‘em?

Hey look it’s Claire! She’s at a new school! And in California! And in 11th grade! She and her family are in hiding after mobs of fans stormed the set following the incredibly confusing and lackluster finale. Maybe we’ll be spared teenage angsty drama with corporate shilling resolutions. Nope! Claire wants a car and daddy gives her the all new 2008 Nissan Rogue that he drove her to school with! I wonder if she got options like the manual shift mode with steering wheel-mounted paddle shifters, which is available with the SL model as part of 2WD Premium or AWD Premium Packages. Or maybe the Digital Bose® audio system with AM/FM/in-dash 6-CD changer. One can only wonder or write fanfic. Captain Obvious will have to make do with this 2001 Ford Explorer Sport with premium options like Key™ and Matching Other Key™ as well as his Car Alarm That Doesn’t Work So He Had To Invite His Buddy Vince Over To Help Him Disconnect It From The Battery™. So the Captain knows exactly what lil’ Claire is going through.

OMG it is teh Hiro! The only reason to watch this show makes his grand entrance at 8 minutes in. Unfortunately it’s just a complete repeat of the end of the finale where he finds himself in 1671 Japan. He stands between his idol Kensei and a group of soldiers looking to fuck his Christmas up. The archers let loose their arrows and just before they strike Hiro, he stops time and runs away from them, only to discover Kensei has a few coming his way as well. So he does the right thing and saves his hero with his power of squinty-grimace disappearing.

Annnnnnd now we’re catching up with Matt Parkman, the dude who can read people’s minds when the plot calls for it. It appears he survived taking 3 the hard way in the finale. However, unlike most of last season, it appears he’s actually doing cop work now. But ha, ha. Joke’s on us. What appears to be a hostage situation is just a test and the only reason he passes is his special power which, of course, he can’t tell anyone about. But who cares, right? Cheating and winning is ok as long as it makes for good TV. Just let me know when this turns into good TV. Passing this test wins Parkman a detective’s badge. I think if he wins the next he unlocks a new costume. Then a new schtick. Then a spinoff show. Then death covered in hookers and blow.

So here’s the rest of the episode: Claire wishes she could do all the crap she used to back in Texas. But she’s not allowed cause her dad’s old company would snatch her if they knew where she was. So she gets to play ordinary girl. And I bet she does that the rest of the season. Just as soon as my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert. Her dad is working as a mundane employee at a Kinkos. The rest of her family? Eh, who gives a shit. The show doesn’t, neither do I.

Parkman’s taking care of Molly, the girl that can find anyone with special abilities on a map. And she’s still haunted by visions of the Boogyman, some dude who puts Sylar to shame. She has nightmares, draws reaaaaaally creepy pictures of eyes and that squiggly symbol and acts all scared of everything.

Hiro’s dad is waiting for Hiro to return to the future. Keeping Ando under his wing the elder Nakamura is secretly being stalked by some shadowy organization out to get him. Planting a picture of him with that squiggle drawn over it, he knows they’ll try and kill him within 24 hours and they succeed by the end of the episode, for whatever it’s worth. Hiro, meanwhile, finds out that his idol Takezo Kensei is actually a British white guy out to make some money in Japan. He’s a thief and a fraud, which surprises Hiro but draws such an obvious picture for everyone else watching. Gee, ya think Hiro will somehow teach Kensei to be a real hero by the end of his adventures in ancient Japan?

Nathan Petrelli, hereout known as Lothar of the Hill People is living with his mommy. Peter’s presumed death has obviously made a rough situation in the family. Angela Petrelli gets the same treatment as Hiro’s dad with the picture and squiggle but she avoids death this episode. And you get a feeling she’ll be around for quite a while.

The job Werner Brandes offers Mohinder is with “the Company.” Yes, the very same compay that used to employ Claire’s dad and hunts down mutants. Will he help the enemy? Oh the drama!

Our new heroes Maya and Alejandro continue their journey to America, hoping to find a cure for Maya’s power which evidently kills people. They get smuggled a bit north but aren’t quite there yet. Geez, I’ve never seen so much setup for non-White people. I hope this is a trend, I prefer subtitles to listening to actual words. I also like my food pre-chewed.

And lastly, Peter, Peter Petrelli. Discovered in Ireland by some soccer hooligans chained and bound inside a freight container. They try and beat him, he blasts one with a fireball but then succumbs to their accents and fists. They ask who he is and DUN DUN DUN… he doesn’t know! Wacky hijinks are in store for us, I’m sure.

And that, as they say, is that. I hate season premieres. So much exposition, so much setup and no payoff. It’s like a box of Cracker Jacks with no prize. And such is the same as Heroes. Months and months of mental masturbation with just a little dribble at the end. Stay tuned next week for more big surprises like, “Who killed Nakamura?” “How did Peter end up in that cargo container?” and “Why do people think we’ll find the answers to any of these questions when it’s not sweeps week or the season finale?” Why indeed.

I’ll always be the first to admit when I’m surprised and Heroes managed to shock me a little tonight. Instead of the usual holding pattern is actually made an attempt to moving shit along! Now seeing as there are seven episodes left this season it’s not unexpected, still it’s nice to see progress for any reason. And for the first time in a long time the show delivered on its chosen tagline, in this case someone flies (Peter) while someone dies (Simone and some bitch that can hear really, really good). Isaac is responsibly for Simone getting capped, Sylar did the honors for the other chick. I was personally hoping Peter got killed but someone knew deep inside that wouldn’t happen as even emo folk need a role model on the television.

This week we are thankfully, thankfully without Niki’s presence. Her storyline is older than bald Britney jokes and staler than this meatloaf I just ate. Peter emo’s his way around after he and Groundskeeper Willy get discovered by Bennet and his Haitian life partner, wandering back to Isaac’s shop where he beats the snot out of him for schtooping his girl Simone. The very same schtoopee comes into the shop herself just in time for Isaac to shoot her by mistake. Oops!

We do get some retarded Matt Parkman action with him giving his wife a ring from the stash he stole from the late Malsky (aka fat white man) and having that blow up in his face when she discovers it’s stolen. It’s about to be on between ‘em when he gets a call from Ted “Mr. Nuclear” Sprague who with our newfound wireless intarwebs hero Hana has decided Bennet is going to pay for kidnapping heroes and fucking with ‘em. So the three of them go down to Texas to set up next week’s episode.

Claire continues to elude quality writing by transforming from a high school student to a 30 year old mother of two. The decisions and dialogue that have emerged from the last few episodes go against everything she did before. Now she’s hell-bent on exposing her father’s treacherous ways (and Haitian life partner) at any cost. Who knows how this will turn out. Badly, I have to assume by next week’s previews.

That leaves us with my favorite and the only really bearable character, Hiro! I’m sorry to say this week Hiro makes very little progress and in fact ends up confusing me more than anything. Along with the Nevada gaming commission agent from last week, he tracks Ando and “Hope” down and in the ensuing gunfight Ando is shot in the arm by Hope. She corners them in a bus’ luggage compartment and is about to kill Hiro when he uses his powers while the gun is in mid-fire, sending the bullet back into the chamber and causing it to misfire.

But wait a minute. Is that really his power? He can slow, stop - even reverse time but time moves very specifically in whatever direction he’s moving it. A bullet fired from a gun would simply “unfire” itself if he moved time backwards. He didn’t even open his eyes while the bullet was going back so it wasn’t a stopped time situation where he pushed the bullet back into the chamber. Instead the show kinda bent the rules of Hiro’s power to effect the change they wanted. That’s just cheap and retarded, worthy of jeering and my unending disrespect. Fuck off, writers. Hiro has it hard enough as it is holding this show on his shoulders, give the guy his ability and don’t fuck with it. Unless they explain it later as Ando having a power, when in that case double fuck you writers for making me look stupid.

All in all Heroes didn’t totally suck tonight. I’m hoping they continue this trend of not sucking and perhaps even venture into the territory of being good. I doubt it, tho, as they’ve proven their ability to fuck things up to be strong and I can’t imagine they’d screw around with that ability.

It’s come to the Captain’s attention that his reviews of Heroes have been too negative, too down on his smash hit NBC show. To try and remedy this I’ll strap on my smile and get through this review with all grins blazing.

GOSH!

That’s how I can sum up tonight’s episode of Heroes! We’re getting to the last episodes of this first season and NBC is finally delivering on promises it made. Like the cheerleader, Claire! We understand now why Hiro warned Peter to “save the cheerleader” to “save the world.” All the clues were there, we just had to connect the dots! Obviously Claire’s dad being none other than Nathan Petrelli is closely connected to that plot line and probably also to the other tag line from this season, “are you on the list?” This week Claire finds out from her biological mother that her dad has money and later finds out by eavesdropping on a conversation that he wants nothing to do with her. Maybe a week ago I’d say Claire’s storyline, as trite and pointless as it were, was something -I- wanted nothing to do with but not anymore! This is gripping stuff, people!

Next we have Matt Parkman, the psychic cop. Who? Oh that’s right, we sorta forgot about him for a while huh. Well he’s back, bub, and he’s working private security because the show had no work for him the past couple weeks. He’s assigned to some fat white guy on their way to making a deal downtown. They arrive and lo and behold standing outside the jewelry store they’re heading is our favorite schizocarp Niki looking dashing and debonair in sunglasses and false character appeal. I mean strong character appeal. Matt and his client head inside and reveal the transaction is purchasing a bunch of diamonds from the jeweler for a pile of cash. All is going well until Matt’s Spideysense™ goes off and he hears the jeweler’s thoughts about Linderman’s agent coming to kill both Matt and his client. Turns out in return for springing her from the police, Linderman is requiring Niki to do his dirty work. So Matt freaks the fuck out and tells the client they need to flee like whoa and off we go on a cataclysmic date with this week’s promise: two Heroes will face off.

As is my usual caveat, no one reading this cares about spoilers so I’ll go ahead and say that this “face-off” consists of Matt handcuffing Niki to a handrail and then running, only to have her escape and come after him, throwing him out a window and killing his client. Yay NBC! That’s what I’m talking about! Hype hype hype like Bobby Brown and letting us down like Whitney. In the end Matt pockets the diamonds and sneaks off while Niki escapes and gets her next assignment: Nathan Petrelli.

Now someone at NBC must be reading this because there’s no other reason for Hiro and his hetero life partner Ando to be stuck in a revolving door of nothingness for two weeks straight. This time around they’re in Vegas and get duped into helping a con woman out in stealing a purse from the casino’s head of security. It took the entire episode to reveal that but the Captain’s in no mood for dramatics tonight. Peter and his invisible friend Groundskeeper Willy have, ironically, disappeared. No mention of them this week nor of the Haitian.

The only other storyline of note is Sylar and Apu Mohinder Suresh finally meeting face to face, even if Suresh doesn’t know it’s Sylar he’s meeting. The good doctor got a call from a potential named Zane Taylor who gets a visit from Sylar soon thereafter. Suresh arrives and Sylar, posing as Zane displays the power he recently, erm, acquired. The ability to melt solid objects. So it’s comforting to know that if the whole nemesis thing doesn’t pan out, Sylar has a solid future in liposuction alternatives. And speaking of cutting the fat, it’s time for the Captain to run. See? No negative comments about the writers being a bunch of sub-human idiots doing the work a thousand retarded monkeys could do faster and better. Nothing at all.

Just remember. Next week - someone flies, someone dies. Biggie fries.

No one can ever accuse Captain Obvious of being a big Heroes fan. I think the show is penned by hacks with BS degrees in Shoddy Plotlines from WereRetardedHowBout U. But my lady, bless her soul, likes it so we Tivo 24 and watch every Monday night. The script still lacks natural cohesion, instead relying on artificial links between half-interesting characters to drive its all-questions-no-answers approach. At the end of last week’s episode the indestructible cheerleader Claire finally tracked down her birth mother who, as it turns out, has the power of lighting cigarettes with her fingers. I could see that ability coming in handy when at a bar. Hackishly mirrored is the only character worth watching, Hiro Nakamora, being tracked down by his father, played by George Takei. Oh it’s a twin parent-orientated subplot! I get it!

Insults to the Captain’s intelligence aside we’ve also been monitoring the evil power stealing baddy Sylar’s imprisonment by Claire’s adoptive father. But what ho, it appears he’s outwitted him and we now get to watch him on the prowl again! Maybe he’ll hunt down the producers and get ‘em. Oh wait, that would require the producers obtaining any sort of talents or abilities first. I digress.

On this week’s episode we finally meet Claire’s mom in person. She has absolutely nothing of worth to add to the storyline except to reveal Claire’s biological father in the last moments. If you’re reading this you couldn’t possibly care about spoilers so it turns out to be Nathan Petrelli, Peter’s brother and the dude who can fly. Claire leaves her real mom to head back home but not before her birth mom gives her a necklace and some kind words, telegraphing to the audience that she’ll be dead within an episode or two. Little does Claire know that back at the homestead Sylar, having freshly escaped and nicking her dad’s wallet for an address as already been there and roughed her adoptive mom up a bit. He would’ve killed her but her adoptive dad and his hetero Haitian life partner showed up, shot Sylar a little and then zapped her mom’s memory so that she could never tell another soul about how retardedly unlikely it is that Sylar didn’t just kill her. Fucking writers.

We catch up with SpongeGoth Squareass Peter as he learns the ways of being invisible from his newfound Scottish buddy. The Scotsman, long since jaded and having lost all faith in humanity after reading a few scripts ahead tries to convince Peter to drop all his connections to his friends as they’re just deadweight holding him down. Peter is resistant of course, like any good protagonist should be. It’s not until Groundskeeper Willy tosses him off the roof of a building that we discover Peter has retained the abilities he copied from others. Apparently it wasn’t temporary only. Then he wigs out and thinks he’s going nuclear only to be dropped like a girl scout by Willy with a well placed right hook. Damn son, you been knocked the fuck out!

Elsewhere in the world of Heroes it seems Nikki is resigned to a life behind bars but then she’s mysteriously released by some fat white guy we’ve never met. Marlon Brando was unavailable for comment. We think for a moment that her alter-ego might be contained but hah, of course it isn’t. Instead it’s imprisoned her and has taken over again. So in other words this at-one-time interesting storyline continues to falter and bore going making donuts in this proverbial parking lot of a show.

So where do we stand? Isaac, the prophetic painter is slowly hooking up with Peter’s girlfriend. Peter is being a whiny, sniveling bitch and Claire is setting herself up for a showdown with Sylar, as he undoubtedly will kill her birth mom within a few weeks. Nikki’s spinning her wheels and Hiro really hasn’t made any progress this week. Oh, but remember the list? That very, very important list. Are you on the list?, the show asked. Well, seeing as they didn’t really broach that subject this week I guess we’ll have to wait and see. As usual. Unless it’s a list of people who aren’t buying into the pretentious mockery of interesting television, which if it is then Captain Obvious is number one with a bullet.

This week is all about our heroes and thier life changes.

Peter is in a coma after saving claire. His mom, brother and mother come to visit while he has visions of things to come. Giving us more clues and more questions then answers.He has the ability to absorb other peoples powers.

Niki is in jail after turning herself in while her other personality Jessica is trying to kill the guards to get the hell out of there. Her son comes for a visit and Jessica goes ballistic. They put her in the phyciactric ward where she can deal with her issues and be drugged. Her husband is raising thier son Micah in the meantime, he has been gone so long he doesnt even know how to play dad. He turns money that he stole from Lenderman in order to get charges against him dropped. He has the ability to walk through walls.His son has the ability to control electronic devices, computers, payphones and more his abilities are beginning to grow.

Claire’s father had used his guy to brain wash her or so ht thinks. The guy who removes peoples thoughts never speaks but told Clair he would not wipe her memory but she needed to pretend to her dad that she rememberd nothing. Her dad had also flushed her friend Zak’s memory also. She starts befriending Zak all over again showing him her powers and talking to him, hes not in teh in crowd and she’s a cheerleader.

Matt Parkman tries to find cylar and actually gets to the location but the brain washing guy can also protect peoples thoughts from being read. He caused matt to night be able to find cylar. Matt uses his mind to read peoples thoughts and with cylar being comatose from all the medication he has no thoughts at the moment.

Hiro is in a museum looking for a sword that is suppose to bring his powers back. He is depressed he got stuck in time for a few months and made friends with this girl trying to save her life only to fall in love with her and she still dies. He believes the sword will make him ballanced and center his powers so that he can use them again. Hiro steals the sword from the museum to find out that it is a fake. D’Oh!

Mohinder finds out his girlfriend is a fake and dead. She was able to talk people into doing things. His father is the researcher who developed a program to find all the people with special abilites. His father was murdered so he went to new york to get his things to find more questions then answers follow clues and is now continuing his fathers work.

Issac can see the featuer when he is drug induced, he has just learned to use his abilities without the aid of drugs. He is writing a comic book that shows everything before it even happens. Peter and Hiro have met him and are tied to him at the moment seeking his knowledge and help from teh visions he has.

We also get introduced to a new character, who has the ability to generate fire with his hands. Is he the villian we are looking for ? Is Claire’s father good or bad ? Is Claire’s father working for Lenderman ? What is Lendermans rols in all this? There are already more then four characters lives are impacted by this name. What will happen to cylar? Will Matt and his wife kiss and make up? Will he tell her his secret? Will Niki get out of jail and start taking matters into her own hands? Next week George Takai from startrek and as of late gay pride parade in chicago this summer, appears as Hiro’s father.

Remember, the NBC promo tells us, for a show known for surprise endings - we ain’t see nothing yet. And in so, so many ways they couldn’t be more right. Like surprise! We didn’t reveal anything of substance!

Captain Obvious has finally caught on and feels stupid for having missed the point for so long. It all became clear tonight when indestructible cheerleader Claire, when asked what saving her had to do with saving the world by power-mimicking Peter responded, “I don’t know.” Same answer as last week when Peter asked her if he had just saved the world. “I don’t know,” very powerful words indeed. And the Captain understands that she’s just a cheerleader and teenage girl so how on Earth can she know her significance in the grand scheme of things, right?

Well, yes. And no. And FUCK YOU WRITERS because the Captain has figured the game out. Here’s how it works: You take the concept of intrigue, as defined as “arouse the curiosity or interest of; fascinate” and you carry it to the most extreme, ridiculous places bordering on deception and fraud where the idea of curiosity and interest have become more stretched out than Jenna Jameson. Then, brilliantly, you pretend to give your audience answers by answering your own questions with more questions, furthering this retarded charade and making anyone who doubts where you’re going with this appear impatient or slow.

The Captain sat through all of Sneakers starring Robert Redford. The Captain watched every season of Star Trek: Voyager. Shit, I even saw Hudson Fucking Hawk in the theater so I know I am neither slow nor impatient. I just know shit when I see it and am not afraid to point it out. And that’s the final word here: Heroes is shit. It’s not intriguing, it’s not revolutionary and it sure as hell isn’t fun to watch with the only. fucking. exception. being Hiro as usual. In fact, that’s my only word about this week’s show here. Hiro sees a painting by Isaac of his future self, HiFuturo fighting a dragon/dinosaur/Godzilla type monster. And he responds with, “what if I step on a bug and change history?” Nothing about perishing or the like, just wondering what happens if he initiated the Butterfly Effect, another piece of shit movie I sat through by the way.

“I better find that sword soon,” Hiro quips. The Captain couldn’t agree more. Until that happens the only reason I’m watching Heroes, which doesn’t even return until January 22nd (which is too damn close to 24 and won’t be able to steal me away) is background noise while I write my Deal or No Deal reviews. It’s literally turning into worthless soap opera telemundo novella plot shit and don’t you listen to the hype: Heroes is just not worth it.