This review of the season premiere of Heroes will be written with no sarcasm at all. I love this show. The title of the episode is Four Months Later. For me to poop on. Sorry! Had to get that one out.

We open to Mohinder lecturing us about all sorts of wordy crap that will be repeated at least fifteen times between now and the inevitably vague and intentionally confusing season finale next year. Then it cuts to him lecturing an actual AUDIENCE and after he concludes, he is cornered by cult 1992 movie Sneaker’s Werner Brandes. His voice may be his passport but the years have not been kind to Stephen Tobolowsky. He stands around, acts creepy and then offers Suresh a job. As a girl on Deal or No Deal. “Where will you go?” he reasons, “No one even believes they exist!” Captain Obvious has it on good account that Fox Mulder does. “They don’t take you seriously, they all think you’re nuts.” Yeah, these nuts. We cut away because Tobolowsky is just wayyyy too creepy.

Elsewhere, newcomers Maya and her brother Alejandro flee a certain ambiguous fate as they continue their 800 mile journey, if exposition-heavy dialogue is anything to be believed. They run around and bring the audience up to speed on the fact that they’re wanted for murder, related and are running. Running running running. Where’s Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Richard Dawson when you need ‘em?

Hey look it’s Claire! She’s at a new school! And in California! And in 11th grade! She and her family are in hiding after mobs of fans stormed the set following the incredibly confusing and lackluster finale. Maybe we’ll be spared teenage angsty drama with corporate shilling resolutions. Nope! Claire wants a car and daddy gives her the all new 2008 Nissan Rogue that he drove her to school with! I wonder if she got options like the manual shift mode with steering wheel-mounted paddle shifters, which is available with the SL model as part of 2WD Premium or AWD Premium Packages. Or maybe the Digital Bose® audio system with AM/FM/in-dash 6-CD changer. One can only wonder or write fanfic. Captain Obvious will have to make do with this 2001 Ford Explorer Sport with premium options like Key™ and Matching Other Key™ as well as his Car Alarm That Doesn’t Work So He Had To Invite His Buddy Vince Over To Help Him Disconnect It From The Battery™. So the Captain knows exactly what lil’ Claire is going through.

OMG it is teh Hiro! The only reason to watch this show makes his grand entrance at 8 minutes in. Unfortunately it’s just a complete repeat of the end of the finale where he finds himself in 1671 Japan. He stands between his idol Kensei and a group of soldiers looking to fuck his Christmas up. The archers let loose their arrows and just before they strike Hiro, he stops time and runs away from them, only to discover Kensei has a few coming his way as well. So he does the right thing and saves his hero with his power of squinty-grimace disappearing.

Annnnnnd now we’re catching up with Matt Parkman, the dude who can read people’s minds when the plot calls for it. It appears he survived taking 3 the hard way in the finale. However, unlike most of last season, it appears he’s actually doing cop work now. But ha, ha. Joke’s on us. What appears to be a hostage situation is just a test and the only reason he passes is his special power which, of course, he can’t tell anyone about. But who cares, right? Cheating and winning is ok as long as it makes for good TV. Just let me know when this turns into good TV. Passing this test wins Parkman a detective’s badge. I think if he wins the next he unlocks a new costume. Then a new schtick. Then a spinoff show. Then death covered in hookers and blow.

So here’s the rest of the episode: Claire wishes she could do all the crap she used to back in Texas. But she’s not allowed cause her dad’s old company would snatch her if they knew where she was. So she gets to play ordinary girl. And I bet she does that the rest of the season. Just as soon as my shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbert. Her dad is working as a mundane employee at a Kinkos. The rest of her family? Eh, who gives a shit. The show doesn’t, neither do I.

Parkman’s taking care of Molly, the girl that can find anyone with special abilities on a map. And she’s still haunted by visions of the Boogyman, some dude who puts Sylar to shame. She has nightmares, draws reaaaaaally creepy pictures of eyes and that squiggly symbol and acts all scared of everything.

Hiro’s dad is waiting for Hiro to return to the future. Keeping Ando under his wing the elder Nakamura is secretly being stalked by some shadowy organization out to get him. Planting a picture of him with that squiggle drawn over it, he knows they’ll try and kill him within 24 hours and they succeed by the end of the episode, for whatever it’s worth. Hiro, meanwhile, finds out that his idol Takezo Kensei is actually a British white guy out to make some money in Japan. He’s a thief and a fraud, which surprises Hiro but draws such an obvious picture for everyone else watching. Gee, ya think Hiro will somehow teach Kensei to be a real hero by the end of his adventures in ancient Japan?

Nathan Petrelli, hereout known as Lothar of the Hill People is living with his mommy. Peter’s presumed death has obviously made a rough situation in the family. Angela Petrelli gets the same treatment as Hiro’s dad with the picture and squiggle but she avoids death this episode. And you get a feeling she’ll be around for quite a while.

The job Werner Brandes offers Mohinder is with “the Company.” Yes, the very same compay that used to employ Claire’s dad and hunts down mutants. Will he help the enemy? Oh the drama!

Our new heroes Maya and Alejandro continue their journey to America, hoping to find a cure for Maya’s power which evidently kills people. They get smuggled a bit north but aren’t quite there yet. Geez, I’ve never seen so much setup for non-White people. I hope this is a trend, I prefer subtitles to listening to actual words. I also like my food pre-chewed.

And lastly, Peter, Peter Petrelli. Discovered in Ireland by some soccer hooligans chained and bound inside a freight container. They try and beat him, he blasts one with a fireball but then succumbs to their accents and fists. They ask who he is and DUN DUN DUN… he doesn’t know! Wacky hijinks are in store for us, I’m sure.

And that, as they say, is that. I hate season premieres. So much exposition, so much setup and no payoff. It’s like a box of Cracker Jacks with no prize. And such is the same as Heroes. Months and months of mental masturbation with just a little dribble at the end. Stay tuned next week for more big surprises like, “Who killed Nakamura?” “How did Peter end up in that cargo container?” and “Why do people think we’ll find the answers to any of these questions when it’s not sweeps week or the season finale?” Why indeed.