Exhibit A: Sundance Head’s performance of Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” on last night’s American Idol. First of all, what about that song spoke so strongly to Head (I’d giggle at this, but the thought of Sir Shovel Beard makes me want to retch.) that he had to present America with such an interpretation? It only brought back memories of seeing the video on MTV, 24/7, not to mention hearing it on the radio every twenty minutes or so. Second of all, there are so many other songs on that album that could potentially show off someone’s vocal range in a positive way and don’t have to be edited for the usually TV-G/TV-PG show’s timeslot. It’s the weakest song on the album and I’m sure many people are like me and when they find themselves feeling nostalgic, they click that button as quickly as possible. Still, why not a little Soundgarden? I’d like to see someone take on “Birth Ritual,” Mudhoney’s “Touch Me I’m Sick” or perhaps even a little of Nirvana’s “Lithium” as a big middle-finger to THE MAN!!

Maybe it was a personal testament to his days on the playground seeing that there’s something about Sundance Head that absolutely screeches “I was bullied so hard as a child I had to make a weapon out of my facial hair to keep them away from me.” Maybe it was an awkward effort to establish cred with the rock crowd much like the frontage from Constantine’s constant eye-f***s to show he was the next Jim Morrison or Bo Bice’s swinging around of his long mane like a long-lost Doobie Brother. Either way, I had to busy myself with preparations for dinner, changing the cat litter, scrubbing the stove, really ANYTHING to distract myself from the abomination growling from my television set. Plus, the “white man’s overbite” expressions the backing band was making to show just.how.hard.they.were.ROCKING. were worthy of a Christopher Guest behind-the-scenes-improv-movie-skewering. That only makes the judges’ generally positive reaction to it all the more baffling.

There was only one highlight of the evening and that came after Brandon Roger’s rendition of Rare Earth’s “I Just Wanna Celebrate.” The judges weren’t too impressed, which was strange, but after the heap of mediocre mewling splayed out before them, they were probably just cranky. Buuuuut, when Ryan Seacrest leaned in to ask Brandon Rogers during his post-interview, “How badly do you want it? You’d do anything right?” I was yelping out in response, “Like a blowjob? You know, a blowjob? Because that sometimes helps you get your foot in the door. Or so I’ve heard.”

Seeing as that’s how Seacrest got to be so prominent in Hollywood these days. By giving someone high on the television food chain a blow job. Someone that helped groom him on the casting couch for his mani-pedi self to be all over our television screen. Let’s say his name rhymes with Schmirv Miffin. There’s high comedy on purpose. That’s beauty in and of itself. Then there’s accidental high comedy, slight faux pas of sorts made by those who have no idea what they’re saying, but it still comes off as genius. And I was witness to that, last night. How generous of them considering the ear rape I’ve been subjected to on the guy’s night week after week. Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination and Ryan was innocently propositioning Brandon in a way that felt *slightly* familiar to him…