The Captain upgraded to a 53″ HDTV this weekend so from now on you’ll get high definition scathing criticism of shows. No more general complaints and small nitpicks, no no no. Big complains, huge nitpicks! So with that out of the way, we gots space bullshit to cover!

Last week on Battlestar Galactica we wasted a shitload of time with Helo and his craptacular quest to save the retarded Sagimatronianers. Well fuck them, no one cares about that anymore. We’ve got other fish to fry. This week we concentrate on Adama being a pussy and Tyrol with wife Cally in tow getting their asses stuck in a command pod that’s slowly venting atmosphere out into space. Intermittently we also discover that they’re still planning Baltar’s trial, there hasn’t been a Cylon sighting in 49 days and this show is really starting to test my last fucking nerve.

It’s Battlestar Galactica, right? I’m not hallucinating, am I? This is the show on SciFi that is about the humans running from the evil Cylons and trying to find their new home, Earth. I’m fairly certain up until they discovered the planet known as New Caprica that they were trying damn hard to accomplish exactly that. But since? Inane fucking bullshit. Love stories, food stories, human interest nonsense and character back stories that could be explained in one or two sweeping expositions instead of entire episodes.

Now we know that Adama and his wife didn’t get along so hot. Well whooptie-fucking-licious that sure means a whole lot to me seeing as his ex-wife was vaporized back when this show still tried. Ooh and it caused friction between Lee and his father? Well gee, that couldn’t have been explained in a few lines of dialogue, nah. Seeing as the colonists are short on medical supplies, food and other necessities I support pointless flashbacks are all they have left to spare. It’s imagining the audience actually tunes into this garbage and finds it captivating that scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I know for a fact there are fanboys and fangirls Tivoing this crap and eating it with a fraking spoon, begging for seconds. But not the Captain. I’m just watching in the vague hope something interesting happens.

So what else happened this week? Well Tyrol and Cally get saved by getting jettisoned out into space to a waiting Raptor piloted by Athena. Tyrol is alright by the end, Cally is still fucked up. Adama’s anniversary comes and goes with everyone walking on eggshells around him. He himself walks on eggshells around Roslin concerning the telegraphed old-person-sex that we all know is coming. In other words - nothing. Where are the Cylons? Fuck if we know. Where’s Earth? Not in fucking sight. How about Hera? I’m sure she’s around, who gives a shit?

I miss fat Lee. I miss Xena killing herself over and over again. I miss Quantum Leap Al being all creepy having sex with Tigh’s wife. I wish the fucking smoke monster from Lost would come and kill everyone and let this show die before they even get a chance to continue this gigantic shark jump they call season three. I’m starting to hope I’m one of the last Cylon models just so I stand a chance at resurrecting once this show inevitably kills me with bullshit.