Remember, the NBC promo tells us, for a show known for surprise endings - we ain’t see nothing yet. And in so, so many ways they couldn’t be more right. Like surprise! We didn’t reveal anything of substance!

Captain Obvious has finally caught on and feels stupid for having missed the point for so long. It all became clear tonight when indestructible cheerleader Claire, when asked what saving her had to do with saving the world by power-mimicking Peter responded, “I don’t know.” Same answer as last week when Peter asked her if he had just saved the world. “I don’t know,” very powerful words indeed. And the Captain understands that she’s just a cheerleader and teenage girl so how on Earth can she know her significance in the grand scheme of things, right?

Well, yes. And no. And FUCK YOU WRITERS because the Captain has figured the game out. Here’s how it works: You take the concept of intrigue, as defined as “arouse the curiosity or interest of; fascinate” and you carry it to the most extreme, ridiculous places bordering on deception and fraud where the idea of curiosity and interest have become more stretched out than Jenna Jameson. Then, brilliantly, you pretend to give your audience answers by answering your own questions with more questions, furthering this retarded charade and making anyone who doubts where you’re going with this appear impatient or slow.

The Captain sat through all of Sneakers starring Robert Redford. The Captain watched every season of Star Trek: Voyager. Shit, I even saw Hudson Fucking Hawk in the theater so I know I am neither slow nor impatient. I just know shit when I see it and am not afraid to point it out. And that’s the final word here: Heroes is shit. It’s not intriguing, it’s not revolutionary and it sure as hell isn’t fun to watch with the only. fucking. exception. being Hiro as usual. In fact, that’s my only word about this week’s show here. Hiro sees a painting by Isaac of his future self, HiFuturo fighting a dragon/dinosaur/Godzilla type monster. And he responds with, “what if I step on a bug and change history?” Nothing about perishing or the like, just wondering what happens if he initiated the Butterfly Effect, another piece of shit movie I sat through by the way.

“I better find that sword soon,” Hiro quips. The Captain couldn’t agree more. Until that happens the only reason I’m watching Heroes, which doesn’t even return until January 22nd (which is too damn close to 24 and won’t be able to steal me away) is background noise while I write my Deal or No Deal reviews. It’s literally turning into worthless soap opera telemundo novella plot shit and don’t you listen to the hype: Heroes is just not worth it.