Upon review of your new sitcom, The Winner, I must say that I am shocked and appalled. You are three of the most talented, creative, hilarious people working in television today. Your powers combined should have created a comic force to be reckoned with, a sitcom of epic proportions, a barage of deftly played scatalogical humor the likes of which the world has never seen. Instead, we get The Winner, which, and I hope you’ll pardon my French, is the largest, festering, fucking shit of a sitcom this side of According to Jim.

I can’t understand it. I mean, Rob, darling, your wide-eyed, ironic dopey-ness and ravishing bald pate were the light of the Daily Show. And while it’s obvious you’re doing your damnedest to bring that charm to The Winner, it is unfortunately dimmed by the show’s abysmal writing. Which brings me to you, Mr. Blitt. While a writer for Family Guy, you could be counted on to supply laugh-out-loud, just-this-side-of-the-line gags. You wrote the infamous “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein” episode which had the distinct honor of being considered too offensive for Fox to air. Thank God they finally changed their minds because this is one of the most brilliant episodes of Family Guy not only for its dead on satire, but for its warmth and heart. All three of these attributes are sadly absent from The Winner.

And Seth. Seth, Seth, Seth. You know how I feel about you, your quiet genius, your rakish good looks, your stunning voice, and above all, your defiantly protruding chest hair. I’m a fool for you Seth, and would follow you anywhere. Anywhere but The Winner. You can’t honestly tell me that your name would be on this black hole if it hadn’t been the brainchild of your good pal, Ricky Blitt. The lame sex jokes, the grating laugh track, and the ridiculously derivative premise are the kinds of things you and your writers regularly lampoon on Family Guy.

The more I think about it, the more improbable it seems that three professionals that I hold in such high regard would lend their immense talents to this burning diarrhea of a sitcom. Which is why I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all an elaborate scheme. That’s right boys, I’m on to you. It’s all a joke on your loyal viewers. This terrible sitcom is your way of making fun of terrible sitcoms. It’s a twisting meta mess to throw us all off, making us think that you’re catering to the lowest common denominator when what you’re really doing is skewering the hell out of them. If that’s the case, then well played, soldiers. I salute you. If not, then you’re dead to me. The lot of you.

All My Love,

LaPinguina

Deep breath and…

Last week Veronica was arrested in class for helping Josh escape from jail. Turns out the he was allergic to the delicious peanut butter cookies she sneaked to him and used his impending death to take out a paramedic and run off. This was definitely not Veronica’s intent, but she has to sit adorably in jail for awhile until Lamb feels like letting her out. On again, off again Logan comes to visit her, acting like a grown-up for once, and they make little warm smiles at each other which looks promising until…

Logan gets roped into going on a Valentine’s day scavenger hunt with Mac, Bronson, and Parker, which has the unintended effect of making things cozy-like between Logan and Parker, which, uh, major woman law violation there. Meanwhile, Mac and Bronson totally do it. Awesome. Finally. Darling pillow talk ensues.

No sooner has our favorite “a lawyer,” Cliff, dropped Veronica off after springing her from the big house than Josh shows up, scaring the hell out of Veronica and me alike. He’s got proof that he’s innocent and has thoughtfully bound and duct taped it and tossed it in his trunk. Yep, that’s Mason, writhing around helpless, while Josh waves Mason’s gun around triumphantly until Veronica helpfully points out that Mason’s is not the same kind of gun that killed Josh’s dad. I gotta say, Veronica has made some false accusations in her time, but at least she never kidnapped anybody and stuffed him in a trunk. Josh is suitably crestfallen and goes to his plan B which is to have Veronica make him a fake ID so he can scam his way into a safe deposit box containing ten thousand smackeroos worth of old coins that his gramps left him. After that he’ll abscond with the cash and flee to Mexico, which is kind of a running theme for Veronica and boys that she likes. Veronica agrees, secretly planning to stall him and set a trap.

Meanwhile, Keith is on the Coach’s death case. He goes to ask the Coach’s widow some questions and notices that she’s hired Vinnie Vanlowe. Keith fronts out Vinnie who tells him that yeah, he’s been working with Widow Coach, but she hired him awhile back to find out if the coach was cheating on her. Vinnie’s got some pics of him in a compromising position with a chick who’s husband was in the military where the government issues folks coach killing .45s. Keith follows up with the lady in the picture only to find out that she wasn’t banging the Coach, she was doctoring him. She’s a neurologist and the Coach had Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease which is, of course, terminal. Turns out Widow Coach took out a hefty insurance policy on him after the finding out about the affair. It all comes together when Josh goes to the bank to get the coins. Turns out there’s a secret prize in that box in the form of a DVD of Coach letting his son know that he, the Coach, had a pal put him out of his misery. Josh skips the country and Veronica pacifies her dad about her accessory status by letting him view the DVD.

Meanwhile, in Dean O’Dell death news, Landry finds a bug in his phone which neither Keith nor Veronica planted, they swear. Keith interviews the dean’s assistant who tells him that O’Dell was out of Xanax and didn’t have time to pick up the perscription she called in which is weird because the autopsy showed Xanax in his system. Turns out Widow O’Dell signed for the perscription. Keith in a moment of desperation, forwards this news to Lamb who brings Mindy in for questioning. Mindy says, yeah, she picked up the pills, but if there are any missing it’s because she took them. Veronica, via a Clippers game, a TV announcer and some ingenuity suddenly realizes that the earwitness who heard the gunshot must have heard it a full hour after she orginally thought he did which means that the Volvo was back at the Neptune Grand an hour after the gunshot occured. Keith and Veronica run to Lamb to lay this one on him only to find out that Steve Botando’s prints were on O’Dell’s keyboard. Steve gets hauled in, Cliff is assigned to him and gets him out of the clink on a technicality. Later, a neighbor calls the cops about a disturbance at the O’Dell manse. Lamb and Sacks go in; Lamb sneaks upstairs, shoots at his own reflection in the mirror like the jackass he is which only serves to alert Steve who wallops Lamb but good with a baseball bat. Sacks comes in and plugs Steve in the chest which looks like it hurt Sacks more than it hurt Steve. Lamb utters his immortal last words “I smell bread,” just as Keith runs in and gently tells Sacks to get an ambulance. Meanwhile, while cleaning out the, uh, boiler room? Weevil makes an strange discovery of some bloody clothes. Back at Mars investigations, Keith gets a phone call telling him Lamb is dead. D-E-D, dead. Next thing we know, the venerable SHERRIFF Keith is questioning Mindy again, telling her the bloody clothes are Landry’s so somebody is covering for somebody and he wants to know who. By the way, LAMB IS DEAD.

So, to recap, every major character is represented, including elusive fan favorite, Wallace. LAMB IS DEAD, and the long term Dean O’Dell case is finally moving forward. Not to mention the fact that Keith is sherriff again. It all looks like this show is gearing up for a big-time finale on the very likely chance that it won’t be renewed for next season. So on the one hand, thank you, show, for being so slam bang awesome, but on the other hand, please don’t die. And on YOUR hand, watch this show. If you don’t, you’ll regret it!

Veronica (Kristen Bell) is a scrappy, snarky, teen PI-in-training under the tutelage of her ex-sheriff, private investigator father, Keith (Enrico Colantoni, you know, the guy from Just Shoot Me). All the action takes place in the fictional southern California town of Neptune, where race and class divides reign supreme and folks have a knack for getting into some pretty heinous predicaments. Veronica solves crimes both large and small with the help of her father and a savvy and attractive circle of friends. Yeah, everybody on this show is hot, so if the above discription is not enough enticement, at least there’s the lust factor. Oh, and Veronica breaks up with her boyfriend, Logan (Jason Dohring) a lot. It can get a little annoying, but it’s easy to ignore. That’s about it.

Ok, yeah, the plot is a little more convoluted than that, but there’s only two and a half seasons out there so it’s easy to catch up via DVD, the CW website’s episode postings or Television Without Pity recaps. It’s worth your time and effort. And if you’re unwilling to invest the time, there will be some stand-alone episodes toward the end of this season.

So, long story somewhat less long, watch Veronica Mars, watch Veronica Mars, watch Veronica Mars. Basically, if it gets cancelled, I’ll die. And I don’t think you can live with that kind of guilt.